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reasons to hate being complicated

the other day i was driving in the car. i drove a total of 165 miles that day, around 82.5 per session, with a six hour break between. it was a good day that day, and what made it great was all the clarifying i did mentally, figuring out what i wanted to do with certain plot lines and how to start parts that have eluded me for so damn long.

it was a great, wonderful, perfect day.

and then I got home

and i know my friends and roommates mean well

and that most of the time they know better, more and generally more sensibly than I ever do.

I haven't really made peace with that.

So i told myself over and over in the car, i'll go home, and I'll write.

I'll finally get a good swing at this thing.

And I walk in the door.

Bombarded.

I'd been so deep in my head, so at peace, so damn OPEN that it felt like a very personal attack.

"hey, i'm your houseguest, but I cleaned your apartment while you were out, since I was bored"

- you're a bad host -

"and when i cleaned out the cat litter, I noticed you don't have any fresh litter, so you may want to get some"

- wow good job you have nothing here and i cleaned up after your filthy asses -

So I acquiesce to going to the store real quick to get everything we need.

Plus donuts.

These stores are NOT far from my apartment.

IT TOOK US TWO HOURS.

I don't normally cry over lost time, but it made me so frustrated to have let her talk me into it, make me feel bad when she really had no intention of making me feel bad, imposing her standard of living on me and then, because i felt so bad, I just... i felt like I had to stay out in the front room and be a good host.

I feel like it's her secret expectation, she's got this middle-class thing going on, her standards of living are so completely different than mine

so true to my lower class upbringing, I apologize and get my servitude on. i mean, JEEZUS.

And apparently there's this tv show that i really needed to see, so i was roped into that.

because my incomplete existence is once again unacceptable.

So then I have to go to bed early, wake up, and go to work.

Worst day in existence to be working at my job.

Our boss is so bad at making food efficiently people were waiting twice as long for it as normal for her, and three times as long if any of us had replaced her in the kitchen.

By the end of the day, I was spent.

My charge was gone.

so then we went to see the avengers

which was pretty fucking awesome apart from the fact that I was pretty heartily sick of my friends and their ideas about how quality free time should be spent

and i know i'm taking things so damn personally

i got butthurt because I said i really needed to go to the bathroom a couple of times while we were waiting for the credits, and then everyone just left by the back doors without waiting for me

and when I protested, only one stopped and asked if I wanted to go real quick

and i felt like

like i was inconvenient for making everyone wait on me

so i said no

and got in the car

and waited the ride home in pain

blazed up the stairs

and dropped into the bathroom without a word



--


why do i get like this, i ask you, why?

why do i feel so sorry for myself

why is that, when i need to speak up for myself, i'm most likely to feel like a selfish bitch?

and i get so frustrated for being an inconvenience and making people go out of their way just because I needed something

it seems so stupid

maybe it's because if i had any more of a spine

i wouldn't do the same for them

i want to be left alone, sometimes

how do you tell people you hate the sound of human voices and want to curl up and not speak to anyone?

how do you not feel bad about trying, not even to that degree, to get some alone time

we're trained from birth that it is socially unacceptable and downright rude to isolate oneself

but I need it

I NEED IT.

I feel so empty, and hollow

like

fine.

FINE.

I get it, you need me to do these things with you.

Fine.

Got any others? Because everything I had hoped to do in a private itinerary

all those things i got so pumped for

now don't seem worthwhile at all

so thanks so much for making yourself a priority

without even ASKING

if I had plans.

because my plans aren't much, they don't look like much, they might even involve writing for an hour, listening to music, burning incense while showering or lighting candles to meditate, or sitting on the computer doing nothing or taking a fucking NAP

but they are MY FUCKING PLANS

JUST LIKE YOUR PLANS TO WHICH I ALWAYS PLAY SIDEKICK ARE YOUR FUCKING PLANS

I respect your plans, i go along with them

but you treat mine like they're nothing

and i fucking hate that.

you don't like them, fine, you don't have to participate

but you do have to let me follow through with them

and that's why i'm really fucking upset at the moment.