?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

okay, not really, but it sure as hell feels too much like being deliberately surrounded and less like coincidence.

Friendside: my best friend just got married and while I am really and truly happy for her, I'm apprehensive about the future. We live together, him, her and me. They are looking for a house, and unless a really awesome stroke of luck rolls around, I will move back in with my parents for the sake of achieving my ends as best I can. I feel very second best, which is absurd, but it seems the only thing I can manage when faced with this along side everything else:

My other close friend is moving an hour and a half to the north to live with her parents until finances are better and she can return to school down here. So by choice and by basic cause and effect, we are all very close and about to all be separated. This is not a cheering thought.

Workside: my boss is nuts, nobody knows what tumblr or its little sub-culture is, people keep leaving, people who remain have one of three things to say: bosses are crazy, why are you still a virgin or what are you still doing here? get a real job! this place is bullshit.

I tried to tell you guys, I really did, that I came from something much, much worse. I was specifically and repeatedly singled out over details like gray areas in the dress code I'd interpreted incorrectly, where I could excel at every department and still only be seen for failing in one particular skill. And written up for it. Seven times in two years. No one ever openly yelled at me, no one ever directly approached me about this or that. It was a deeper, more subtle and very passive aggressive mindfuck that to this day i cannot properly articulate the full extent of how paranoid I have cause to be for it.

So they don't know, and I don't know how to tell them.

Futureside: going to go live with my parents when the time is right. going to return to school, and fight tooth and nail to get a teaching degree. I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no idea if my college will re-accept an old DROP OUT. And then what? If that's the case, I won't be able to live with my parents. Fears assailing my feeble brain ensues.

Social Networkingside: I have different facets of myself to display in different situations. I'll sneeze and burp loudly around my friends, but fight a sneeze to the bitter end so a customer doesn't have to see, curb my tendency to expletives around the same. Everywhere I go, i always have to hold part of myself back because of who I know is watching. And when i do let loose anyway, i'm a bitch. too jaded, too full of cynicism, lacking too much hope. Me.

Weather: hot as balls, humid and sticky. It's exhausting to put my hair up.

I live in Oregon, so this elicits two responses depending on where you're from:

Outside Oregon: "You don't even know what humid really means: quit being a baby and shut up!"
Inside Oregon: "Don't you think this weather's fantastic? It's wonderful!"

to that last I always, always want to say: "No. Air conditioning and box fans are wonderful. Hot weather sucks, no matter where you are."

Fandomside: been finding myself left out of watching shows with a friend as they came out. Now she's plowing on ahead and I'm left behind, twiddling my thumbs while she tells me about how awesome the latest episode of this or that is. >.< please stop.

and then there's hetalia.

Hetalia's my thing, my fandom, obsession, clique, whatever. It's mine, and i've shared fandoms with them before.

but not this one. Again, more feeling left out and like my tastes aren't as good as those pressed upon me.

Sleepside: if the weather didn't suck, i wouldn't be putting this here. bye, blankets.




I'm going to stop talking about these before i do something stupid, like cry about it even more - with actual tears, I'm sure.